I read Twilight so you don't have to // CHAPTER 5: BLOOD TYPE
How many Edward-Cullen-smiles can Stephanie fit into one chapter? (the answer may surprise you).
A Summary: Forks High School’s Biology class is determining blood types. Bella feels faint at the sight of blood, and Edward swoops in to help her.
Random Observations:
Because it was distracting my reading experience (and maybe because I was a little bored), I started keeping tallies on all the times Edward smiled in this chapter (noted in blue).
The verdict? Are you ready?
Edward is described as smiling 21 TIMES IN ONE CHAPTER (+1 grimace).
TWENTY. ONE. TIMES. IN. TWENTY. EIGHT. PAGES. THAT IS ALMOST ONE SMILE PER PAGE.
I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am still flabbergasted that Stephanie Meyer didn’t do a quick dictionary or Google search for alternatives. We get crooked smile, half-smile, smile twitching, tempting smile, and on and on. At this point, I feel like I’m playing a drinking game, though if I did something like that
I won’t be attempting to track how many times Edward holds back laughter. That’s just not nice.
My Thoughts:
Chapter 5 continues Bella’s school day from the last chapter, and somehow manages to make an already long day feel even longer—for both her and me.
I guess it’s lunchtime, so maybe one period has passed since Bella and Edward had their last conversation. Bella (and her “friends”) are shocked that the handsome Edward Cullen is gesturing for Bella to come sit with him.
And we get…another really long conversation that goes on until Bella almost misses her next class. What do they talk about? Let me map out the convo for you:
-Edward’s amused that Bella’s friends are annoyed that he stole her from them
-Edward snickers
-Bella gulps
-Bella asks if they’re friends now
-Edward weasels around the question, and once again reminds her that he’s not good for her (and yet he keeps following her around kjhslkdjfhslkdgausgd)
Edward invites Bella to skip Biology class with him, but she goes to class anyway. This ends up being a big mistake, since Mr. Banner informs the class that they’re testing for their blood types today (Bella faints at the sight of blood).
There’s a really brief, weird moment in this section that I probably don’t need to comment on but I will:
“Then I want you to carefully prick your finger with the lancet…” [Mr. Banner] grabbed Mike’s hand and jabbed the spike into the tip of Mike’s middle finger. (pg 95)
The teacher just…does that without asking his student first? I feel like that’s not allowed, Mr. Banner.
As you may have guessed, Bella immediately feels nauseated, and Mike quickly volunteers to take her to the nurse.
And as you may have guessed a second time, Edward cuts in as they’re walking in the halls, and decides that he’s Bella’s new escort.
After a very long, filler scene at the nurse’s office, Edward does something actually helpful (and mischievous), and charms the secretary with his ochre-eyes and “unfathomable expression” (pg. 100), and gets to take Bella home early before Gym class. After saving her life once, this might be the next best thing he could’ve done for her, because if death is the worst fate, gym class is a close second.
This next section genuinely pissed me off, more than Edward’s twenty-one grins in one chapter, which is saying something. Edward offers to take Bella home, but what actually happens is he physically forces her into his car. Bella says no multiple times, and he responds by threatening to drag her back if she tries to walk away (pg. 103–104).
The book plays this like it’s supposed to be swoon-worthy: He’s just so protective. He’s like Mr. Darcy; gruff and intense, but only because he cares. That’s the formula behind a lot of popular “dark romance” where unsafe behavior can feel thrilling in the safe context of fiction. It’s a fantasy space where intensity and danger get reframed as passion.
But I don’t think Twilight earns that space here, and that’s because the narrative doesn’t seem self-aware. There’s no sense that we’re supposed to feel conflicted about Edward’s behavior. The book doesn’t examine or challenge it, not really. It just presents his possessiveness as romantic. That lack of nuance is what makes it so dang uncomfy and problematic.
On a lighter note, Edwardo’s impressed by Bella’s refined taste in music, because this is literally not a song used in most movie soundtracks and no one’s ever heard it before, it’s pretty niche:
Edward drives her home, and we get. Yet. Another. Conversation. At least in this one we hear Ed talk a little bit about his family, but it’s not really anything we haven’t heard before. Edward and his “siblings” are all adopted, his parents are great, yadda yadda.
At this point, I genuinely don’t know how many more circles I can spin around in. Every conversation feels like a rerun: Edward grinning, Edward suppressing laughter, Bella asking the same questions, Edward dodging them with the same cryptic non-answers. I’m begging for the plot to show up and do something.
Maybe I will take a little drink, after all.*
Heyyy, thank you for reading! This is delicious and fun, even if I do complain about the repetitiveness. Love that you’re here. See you next week xoxo gossip girl